Cardinal Proclaims Ineffable Divinity Of Holy Matrimony With Numerous Explicit References To Bum Sex

Christian Britain today has its eyebrows raised higher than at any previous time in its 2000-year history, after the God-fearing nation’s top Catholic prelate put it straight on the ghastly things gay people get up to as soon as they think nobody is looking.

The Cardinal's wrongometer just exploded

“Whenever two or more gays find themselves alone together, I tell you, before you can say Hail Mary they’ve all got their winkies stuck in each other’s bottoms and then you have to prise them apart with a stick,” explained a solemn-faced Cardinal Keith O’Blimey. “And, would you believe, they get all their ribs taken out by Satanic gay surgeons just so they can cram their freakishly-swollen toilet parts into their slobbering mouths for the gratification of their insane, depraved lusts. I simply can’t bear to think about it, which is unfortunate, because I do little else.”

“Marriage – proper marriage, I mean, between man who is made in God’s perfect image and a properly obedient lady virgin - is the single most holy act a man will ever undertake,” explained the Cardinal sternly. “Except for the clergy, obviously, as we would rightly be hurled into the burning fires of eternal damnation for polluting our temple-like bodies with vile, corrupted sluts whose wicked disobedience brought sin into the world and their perky, succulent breasts which jiggle up and down in ecst… I’m sorry, will you excuse me? My Little Lord Jesus is telling me I need to go and lie down for a few minutes.”

When he returned, the flushed cardinal was asked what words of comfort he had for lesbians. On being shown some explanatory diagrams of the sins they commit, Cardinal O’Blimey fainted dead away in a prominent state of divine rapture.