Royal Family Still Doing Slightly Better Than The Economy

London’s homeless expressed surprise at the non-appearance of the Queen at any of the capital’s soup kitchens today, after chancellor George Osborne promised that the royals would “do as well as the economy is doing”.

Take it, bitch

Mr Osborne made his unlikely claim as he unveiled plans to repackage the taxpayers’ millions he hands over to the monarchy into something fatuously called a Sovereign Grant.

“So the Queen will have to scrimp and save on only 91% of what she’s getting now? Big deal,” said Bob, a shambling down-and-out who lost his home along with his livelihood when his business folded last year, after his government-owned bank refused him a loan. “If they seriously want the royal finances to reflect the economy then the government ought to make some sort of truly enormous-cocked hat, into which the Queen, Prince Philip and all their parasitic spawn would be royally fucked on a daily basis.”

“That’ll bring in the tourists,” he reflected.