Europe On Alert For Insane Insect Swarms

This could be you

So far, there have been no reports from anywhere in Europe of huge clouds of deranged locusts or barmy bees attacking families in their homes or offices, in spite of the dire threat issued by Colonel Gadaffi today.

TV’s Kate Humble commented: “I urge Britain’s nature lovers to report any sightings of locusts, no matter how small, to the authorities immediately. Even a single locust could be a scout, probing our defences ahead of the main assault force. But please don’t work yourselves into a lather about grasshoppers, though. They’re on our side.”

Libyan suicide bees may be more problematical, however, as it is possible that they could mingle unnoticed among the native bee population, awaiting a word of command from the crazed Libyan dictator to spread havoc by disrupting Europe’s jam supplies.

After an emergency COBRA meeting this morning, prime minister David Cameron emerged wearing a beekeeper’s hat, rubber gloves and heavy nylon clothing to reassure a concerned public that the RAF had adequate supplies of insect repellent to deal with mass insect assault from any quarter.

“Our message to Colonel Gadaffi is unequivocal,” he declared defiantly. “You will not destroy the British picnic.”