Government Clears Way For Poundstretcher University

Unveiling the long-dreaded White Paper on the reorganisation of higher education, universities minister David Willetts told horrified students that if they didn’t like the prospect of the £9,000-a-year fees being demanded by most of Britain’s established HE providers, they would be welcomed with open arms by dozens of new private-sector universities offering heavily-discounted degrees at prices to suit all pockets.

Every campus is in a central location, with good bus links

“We are talking to several major supermarkets, home-furnishing warehouses and pound shops who are desperately keen to snap up the education retail sector,” he announced brightly. “Tesco are already designing a Value range of degrees, with attractive 3-for-2 deals, and no doubt their rivals will be keen to start a price war.”

Poundstretcher is said to be planning to snap up Britain’s surplus stock of unwanted degrees – such as Media Studies or Art History - and offer them at a rock-bottom price that might tempt cost-conscious consumers who would normally turn their noses up in disdain into picking one up on the off-chance that it might possibly come in useful around the house someday.

Meanwhile, fast almost-food giant McDonalds has already put together a garish range of degree collectibles for young children to amuse themselves with.

“Art, Communication Studies, English Literature, Environmental Science, History, Modern Languages, Music Theory, Politics, Sociology – get the whole set, kids!” urged sinister vice-chancellor Ronald McDonald. “Trade them with your friends! Then come and work for me.”