Regulator To Help Real Victims Of Bankers’ Greed: The Rich

In Richmond, everywhere you look is poverty

Cheers of relief echoed round the home counties today, as the Financial Services Authority watchdog rode to the rescue of ordinary rich people whose investment portfolios have been blighted by evil, self-serving bankers.

The FSA’s investigation of 16 banks showed that 14 had recklessly exposed 79% of their poor wealthy clients to high or medium-high risk of loss through unsuitable investments.

“I hope my losses will stop all those bloody disableds from whining about about how hard up they are,” snapped corporate lawyer Jocelyn Searle, as he got off the 7:24 from Virginia Water. “They’re only losing thirty quid a week, whereas some bloody twerp at Lloyds may well have lost me a potential £30,000 in dividends. Now that’s real hardship.”

“My heart goes out to the hard-hit suits of the sunny south-east,” said a former incapacity benefit recipient with cancer, whose JSA has been suspended for missing a Jobcentre appointment because he idly stayed at home puking his guts up. “The theoretical losses they could possibly have suffered are frankly staggering.”