|The scene outside every single Jobcentre tomorrow, probably|
This morning’s Times painted a horrifying picture of legions of workaholic Slavs greedily draining every last drop of glorious British benefits from our dole offices, then racing round to the nearest estate agents in their new Bentleys to buy up every single property in Mayfair thanks to the open-handed naïveté of the British taxpayer.
A timorous lackey of the Department for Work and Pensions vainly tried to suggest that if there really were any such thing as ‘benefit tourism’, all of Britain’s jobless would be in Germany - but his quavering voice was drowned out by an ugly crowd marching towards the nation’s ports and air terminals, armed with blunt instruments and chanting, “They took our British jobs, now they’re coming for our British benefits.”
Cricket bat-wielding Alvin Sweetman, 82, spoke for Britain when he snarled, “Mark my words: £64.30 a week is a king’s ransom to an unreconstructed ex-KGB communist living in a tin shed in Bratislava. He might get fistfuls of monopoly money anywhere else in Northern Europe, I grant you, but what your Ivan really craves above all else is the everlasting value of the trusty British pound in his pocket, and maybe even two.”