Thursday, 3 March 2011

Motorists Inexplicably Happy About Scarcely Relevant 1p Fuel Duty Rethink

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Britain’s long-suffering but easily-pleased drivers were ecstatic today over the news that prime minister David Cameron may reconsider the planned 1p rise in fuel duty due next month.

“Given that every 10p rise in the cost of a litre results in an extra 4½p for the government, and prices have already soared by 8p since this time last month – and remember, that’s on the back of the additional 2½% VAT windfall – well, let’s just say I’m feeling generous for once and leave that thought floating in the air for a few weeks, shall we?” beamed Mr Cameron as he aired his thoughts.

FairFuel UK campaign leader and former Clarkson straight-man Quentin Wilson - who was not allowed a calculator at school and therefore holds no truck with the confounded things - instantly pronounced himself delighted with the prime minister’s potential largesse.

“According to my trusty slide rule, this huge saving means that every single household in the UK will be £19,500 a year better off,” he explained breathlessly. “Well, give or take a bob either way. In everyday language, that means the difference between a barrel-scraping BMW 318i ES and an altogether more satisfactory 535i M-Sport.”

Meanwhile, proud oil industry executives have almost finished recruiting two complete armies of battle-hardened mercenaries, and will soon be ready to parachute them into Libya to assist both sides in the looming civil war that threatens to send global oil prices skyrocketing.

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