“Given that every 10p rise in the cost of a litre results in an extra 4½p for the government, and prices have already soared by 8p since this time last month – and remember, that’s on the back of the additional 2½% VAT windfall – well, let’s just say I’m feeling generous for once and leave that thought floating in the air for a few weeks, shall we?” beamed Mr Cameron as he aired his thoughts.
FairFuel UK campaign leader and former Clarkson straight-man Quentin Wilson - who was not allowed a calculator at school and therefore holds no truck with the confounded things - instantly pronounced himself delighted with the prime minister’s potential largesse.
“According to my trusty slide rule, this huge saving means that every single household in the UK will be £19,500 a year better off,” he explained breathlessly. “Well, give or take a bob either way. In everyday language, that means the difference between a barrel-scraping BMW 318i ES and an altogether more satisfactory 535i M-Sport.”
Meanwhile, proud oil industry executives have almost finished recruiting two complete armies of battle-hardened mercenaries, and will soon be ready to parachute them into Libya to assist both sides in the looming civil war that threatens to send global oil prices skyrocketing.