Exeter University Hoping £9000 Fees Will Keep Out The Plymouth Riff-Raff

The University of Exeter today announced that it would be charging the full £9000-a-year tuition fees, and reassured its present and future students that although it would naturally be taking steps to encourage wider participation from less wealthy backgrounds, it would not be advertising this fact in Plymouth, obviously.

Exeter prides itself on its rigorous selection procedures

“Exeter has, over the years, acquired a bit of a reputation for being little more than a playground for rather wealthy young socialites who were too thick to get into Oxford, Cambridge or even Durham, and were too cack-handed to wangle their way in with their sporting prowess either,” said Professor Steve Smith, the university’s vice-chancellor and CEO. “Well, it’s nice that people say such kind things about us, but until now we’ve never really had anything really concrete to back it up with.”

“I think it goes without saying, of course, that our neighbour, Plymouth Remedial College And Petting Zoo – to give it its proper name – wouldn’t dare to charge its simian exhibits anything like the full whack,” he added. “If they did, the ghastly place would be empty in seconds and their fat frump headmistress knows it.”

“That in itself ought to keep the scum from travelling up here every day on the Shoplifter’s Special bus,” he explained with a grimace of disdain. “But just in case, rest assured that when I say we shall be meeting the government’s token target of offering bursaries to the underprivileged, I’m talking about the rather better sort for whom ‘making ends meet’ means hanging onto the Range Rover for three years instead of two.”

“We are deeply concerned about the vice-chancellor’s statement,” said Exeter Guild Of Union-Loathing Students’ hereditary president, the Hon. Annabelle Thykke. “And if he doesn’t extend his prohibition to Torquay forthwith, we shall simply have no option but to pelt him with scones until he relents.”

“Rah! Rah! Rah!” she added. “We’re going to smash the oiks!”