Murdoch Offers To Sell Sky News And Bring In Fox News Channel

Rupert Murdoch, the ruler of the world, has told hunt secretary Jeremy Culture that he would be more than happy to offload the loss-making Sky News onto some jumped-up little media nobody like Richard Desmond, if that will help him decide to allow the megalomaniac tycoon to take over satellite broadcaster BSkyB entirely.

“Sky News is shit, we all know that,” said the plain-speaking former Australian, who cannot simply change his nationality to overcome tiresome foreign-ownership regulations - as he did in America - for obvious reasons. “For a couple of days last year, Kay Burley and Adam Boulton did their best to turn the election coverage into a slapstick sideshow - but for all their clowning, there’s still this deep-rooted culture of bloody journalism among the staff which will take abso-sodding-lutely years to wipe out.”

Because real news is just all depressing and shit

Under Mr Murdoch’s proposals, Sky News would be fobbed off as some kind of going concern to some gullible sucker with delusions of importance. Mr Murdoch would then be given carte blanche to buy up the rest of BSkyB’s shares, drop Sky News from its roster of channels as soon as the ink is dry and replace it with a UK version of Fox News Channel.

“Poker-faced horseshit about alien abductions, sightings of Christ in various packaged foodstuffs and the daily highlight of an interviewee with a brain being shouted down by the mindfarts of a botox-filled tailor’s dummy who’s thicker than concentrated whale juice are a much better fit with the typical Sky viewer profile anyway,” smiled the billionaire who controls what half the world thinks. “We can pack the ad breaks with all kinds of half-arsed shit. Let’s be honest, the kind of target audience that reckons the Big Society is some kind of slimming club probably won’t have too much trouble believing that they’re going to retire on the profits they make from popping a load of gold-coloured tat they bought off QVC into an envelope, are they?”

“Before I go, anybody got David Icke’s phone number? He’s got just the sort of gravitas I’m looking for,” he added. “And he can probably bring his own mic, too.”