May Bank Holiday To Be Replaced By Grim Wind-and-Rainfest

Saint experts now believe it was only a tiny dragon, or possibly a duck

The government today announced plans to formally abolish the generally rather pleasant May Day bank holiday, and replace it with either a religious holiday in rainswept April or an utterly meaningless – but equally howling and wet – day in October.

“The May Day bank holiday – a Stalinist ode to the global march of communism, ha ha – is now utterly irrelevant to the lives of the English and Welsh peoples,” said David Cameron. “It is typical of that tyrannical mass-murderer that he cynically chose a date frequently marked in the British Isles by the early appearance of sunshine. How much more appropriate, in the 21st century, to ditch this day of hate and replace it either with holy, damp and cold contemplation of the supposed victory of a soldier of the Ottoman Empire over an unfeasibly large fire-breathing iguana with wings – or, in Wales, of a geologically-active monk with a shoulder covered in pigeon droppings - or with a completely random but undoubtedly miserable day in October?”

“Not that it matters in the slightest,” he added, “Because either you’ll be forced to work through it, or you won’t notice it at all because you’re on the dole and your days blur into an never-ending vista of despair.”