Hospitals Unable To Cope With Exploding Brains Crisis As Britain Tries To Work Out Moral Dilemma

Britain’s Accident and Emergency units are at breaking point today, swamped by a tsunami of pulled brain muscles as ordinary members of the public try to navigate the moral reefs of a pair of Christian fundamentalists barred from fostering purely because a child may grow up to be a wicked abomination unto the Lord.

Ian Wright was an early victim, live on Channel 5

“Mind where you step, there’s bits of fused brain all over reception,” warned a hollow-eyed junior doctor. “I haven’t had a five-minute break since eight last night, and they’re piling up in the corridors.”

“At first I thought, ‘Well, if any son of mine came home one day and told me he’d had a cock right up him and loved it, I’d remonstrate with him quite severely myself’,” said a woman with smoke streaming steadily from her left ear, who had just brought her husband in with the top of his head blown clean off. “But on the other hand, this couple probably think the world was created in 4004BC and ask for Jesus to guide them with the washing up, which is a bit barmy in my book.”

“And, of course, it’s even more complicated because they’re black,” she added. And then her head exploded.

“A legal point of view was sought in this case, and of course a court of law can only decide strictly on the basis of available evidence,” explained a legal expert. “Homosexuality has a genetic origin, and has been observed in dozens of species, and thus we know it is both real and natural. Whereas theology is, by its own admission, utterly unprovable. Can you smell burning? Of course, this begs the question: what if a homosexual couple were to foster a child, who then came home one day and told them that his new best friend Jesus was going to throw them into the fiery pit to burn in agony for all eternity unless they forsook their unspeakable sins there and then? Well, now, that’s a – Eject! Eject! Eject!”

At this point, the top of his head suddenly flew open and his brain splattered itself on the ceiling.

Meanwhile, neither David Cameron, Nick Clegg, Ed Miliband, the Archbishop of Canterbury, the Pope nor anybody else in a position of authority has so far touched this one with a bargepole.