|Joanna can't understand a word of their jungle music, either|
“Children today have no morals and they’d thieve your pants clean off in a second if they thought you weren’t looking,” moaned doddering old Joanna Lumley, 64 in an afternoon phone-in to her local Radio Times. “They bunk off school all the time with their sick notes, and they only go in to hand in somebody else’s computer and claim they made it themselves.”
“When I was at school, a girl in my class was caned to death just for using too much blotting paper,” she sniffed.
“Back in the days of empire when I was a little girl, why, I used to clap my hands in delight to see charming piccaninny children barely two years old marching a hundred head of goats up and down, up and down all by themselves from dawn to sundown, with naught but a dry pellet of dung for their tiffin,” she reminisced, as dozens of cats weed all over the furniture. “If you asked a youngster to drill livestock now, they’d cut you with a knife. They would. I’ve seen it.”
“And I’d ban all these personal calculators from school,” she added, somewhat randomly. “And I wouldn’t let the little buggers leave until they could recite their times tables from memory up to 99 and chalk in all of Britain’s colonial possessions on the blackboard.”
“Nobody values education any more, that’s the problem,” snapped old Joanna, who used to amuse folks on the old goggle box before her tits went saggy. “If we’re not careful, johnny chinaman will catch up and in ten years’ time we’ll all be speaking Mandarin.”
As her forgotten tea went cold on the tray, the little old dear offered her solution to Britain’s youth problem.
“What they need is discipline,” she snapped. “Send them all off to build work camps, work on the farms – blood and soil, that’s the stuff - build up their mental strength as well as their muscles. Then, when that’s done, conscript the lot of ‘em and we shall at last be ready to invade Poland.”