Cream Of British Acting Talent Confuse Chitty Chitty Bang Bang With Art

In an overdramatic letter to the Observer today, Britain’s world-beating luvvies begged the government not to cut funding to the arts, pointing out that many of them had won gongs which in some undefined way contributed £7bn to the nation’s economy.

“With the heart-rending reductions announced in last year's ghastly Spending Review, the terrifying withdrawal of simply huge amounts of local authority support, the stomach-churning abolition of the poor, defenceless UK Film Council and the cruel and brutal financial pressures faced by the innocent little Arts Councils and the dear old BBC, we are currently facing the deadliest threat to funding the arts and culture have experienced in the entire history of mankind,” they wrote on a tear-stained sheet of RSC stationery.

The tragic decline of David Tennant from 2009 to today can only get worse

“Oh, and something about paintings and stuff too,” they added in a postscript.

As a typical example of how funding is affecting ordinary British actors, they highlighted the terrible plight of David Tennant, who used to earn £1m a year but is now unable to afford even the most basic personal grooming tools.

“We are seeing the titans of Britain’s thespian community losing their jobs daily to Martine McCutcheon and caterwauling members of the public,” sobbed Dame Helen Mirren, who achieved international recognition with her critically-acclaimed breasts in John Landis’ epic movie adaptation of Shakespeare’s An American Werewolf In London. “Without a big fat subsidy, how long can the benighted corners of this land continue to be culturally enriched by hand-me-down versions of West End musicals based on Disney movies or some sort of wafer-thin narrative linking pop hits of the 70s?”

“If anything, it’s an understatement to say that this so-called government is committing intellectual genocide against the matinee audiences of Great Britain,” explained Tony Robinson, as he prepared to be buried for 100 years in a time capsule, in a last-ditch attempt to keep Channel 4 paying for Time Team.

“Please, please give me another series,” begged one-time TV satirist Rory Bremner as he desperately tried to perfect his impressions of Lauren Laverne, Jimmy Carr, David Mitchell and Charlie Brooker. “Look, the Two Johns are on pensions now - I can probably get them for free.”