BMW Sectioned After Seeing Minis Everywhere

Prick-wagon manufacturer BMW was reported to be under restraint in a secure mental health unit this afternoon, after it bizarrely claimed that everything was a Mini.

The German company’s delusions began nine years ago, when it bought a factory off the ailing Rover Group in the sadly mistaken belief that the fat, garish hatchback produced there was a Mini.

Of course it is, now get away from me

At the time, this was dismissed by many as mere eccentricity. However, the symptoms have increased in strength recently: for example, hyperventilating BMW executives pestered a sceptical motoring press a few weeks ago, insisting that a large, garish 4WD vehicle was also a Mini. The final breakdown came this morning, when BMW began grabbing startled Londoners by the arm, pointing to three garish electric scooters and shrieking, “Mini!”

“We have known for some time that BMW has a tragically over-active imagination,” said Dr Richard Hammond, a motoring psychiatrist. “And while many people thought their fantasies were harmless, there’s a well-established body of evidence to show that a worrying number of impressionable mental defectives share their tragic belief that all it takes to be a winner in life is to race from one set of traffic lights to another in a 316.”

A home visit by occupational therapists turned up disturbing evidence that BMW is unable to look after itself, citing as evidence an unpleasant habit of not flushing its executive toilets for years.

“The soiled offices of their Munich headquarters are lined with turds in varying stages of decomposition,” said one shocked visitor, who recommended immediate sectioning, “And each and every one of them has a little flag stuck in it saying, ‘Mini’. As you can imagine, the stench is intolerable.”

Corporate mental health experts are now struggling to assess the breadth of BMW’s delirium.

“We’ve completed preliminary tests, and I’m sorry to report that word association painted a depressing picture,” said Dr Hammond. “Every time we named an emotion, BMW immediately blurted out ‘Mini’, and when we showed them ink-blot silhouettes of human genitals, we got exactly the same response.”

“I’m very worried that this sickness could spread,” he added. “In fact, only five minutes ago I was standing at the urinal, and as I unzipped my trousers I found myself involuntarily thinking ‘BMW’. God in heaven help me.”