English And Scottish Athletes Set Out On Busman’s Holiday

English and Scottish athletes are flying out to Delhi today to compete in the troubled Commonwealth Games, after thanking their national sporting bodies for showing such concern for their welfare but pointing out that, being British, they were already accustomed to living in a squalid, substandard environment where nothing works properly.

“Ah’m frae Pennybrook, see?” explained Glasgow’s improvised javelin-throwing hope, Wee Billy Bampot. “So yon athlete’s village looks bonny tae me.”

“Ah was afraid ah wis goin’ tae put sae mich effort intae trashin’ the place ah’d be too knackered tae compete,” pointed out Mad Jimmy McTavish, Scotland’s leading head-butter. “Bit ah see ah woan’ haftae alter a thing. It’s a fair haem fra’ haem.”

As fresh research confirmed the UK as the worst place to live in the whole of Europe, competitors from south of the border echoed their Scots counterparts’ enthusiasm.

“Delhi’s faculties, yeah, is ver shoddy like produck uv plit’co crupshun, theevin’ propty developers, unskilled layba an’ like rusty bricks innit jenotameen?” said English 100m projectile-vomiting champion Sammi-Jo Bloggs. “Well I’m from Hackney yeah where vee Olympics is gonna be innit. Standud.”

Hackney's sporting facilities provide excellent training for Delhi

Dismissing safety fears raised by the murder of two tourists recently, she added: “Juno me mate Vikram yeah, ee’s got a cousin right wot knows sam bloke wot’s got faimly aht ver wot knows this geeza wot kin sawt me aht wiv a shoota innit, a proppa wan right yeah I fink iss a Oozy akshly, no questions arst jenotameen? Sawtid. Sah bring it on.”