Reader Offer: Tour Poland With That Well-Known Historian of Conviction, David Ihrwung!

As autumn segues gently into a communist-inspired winter of discontent, why not follow in the bootsteps of millions of happy Germans and march east, for a nostalgic tour of Poland’s leading wartime tourism sites – with expert guidance from historian David Ihrwung?

Tour itinerary:

Day 1: Tour the remains of the historic Warsaw Ghetto, a vibrant community created by public-spirited Jews in an effort to address Gentile neighbours’ concerns about the stench by sectioning off a quarter in the city for their own exclusive use.

Hide-and-seek - the Warsaw Ghetto held the world record

David Ihrwung says: “Jews are great social animals, so what better way to mix and catch up with the latest news and gossip than to have your friends and neighbours actually move in with you? In the Ghetto, as many as 12 happy Jews would regularly share a single room, liberated from the tiresome customs the goys inflicted upon them, like washing and cleaning. Here in the Ghetto they were free, for example, to erect their traditional mounds of rotting foreskins on every street corner, as required by their primitive, fetishistic religion. The Ghetto had its heyday in 1943, after which increasing numbers of residents took advantage of Germany’s newly-built chain of ‘Hitlins’ camps.”

Day 2: Visit a typical ‘Hitlins’ holiday camp at Treblinka. Millions of Jews flocked from all over Europe to stay at one of Billy Hitlin’s many fun-filled holiday centres. Travel by well-ventilated rolling stock right into Hitlins Treblinka, where you’ll see where some of the picturesque communal huts used to stand, ringing with the laughter and singing of their carefree occupants. Don’t miss the neighbouring activity centre, where holidaying Jews and their children engaged side-by-side in healthy, enjoyable pastimes such as excavating gravel, sorting clothes and digging some of the world’s biggest irrigation ditches.

Don't miss the scenic stepping-stone trail

David Ihrwung says: “Jews enjoyed their stay at Hitlins Treblinka so much, they never went anywhere else afterwards. It really was ‘the ultimate destination’!”

Day 3: A trip to the very heart of philanthropist Billy Hitlin’s organisation – The Wolf’s Lair! Gaily donning the costume of the lovable Hitlins mascot, Willy Wolf, David Ihrwung will show you where all of the big decisions were made, including the organisation’s glorious launch of popular franchises in France, the Low Countries, Denmark and Norway before its expansion eastwards. Every visitor will be encouraged to dress up in authentic period costume and imagine how they, too, might have tackled Billy Hitlin’s sinister former business partner, Uncle Joe, after he treacherously mounted a hostile takeover bid which, sadly, brought Hitlins holiday dreams to an untimely end.

You'll feel like dear old Billy Hitlin never left!

Willy Wolf says: “Hi gang! Welcome to Billy Hitlin's head office, set in a luxuriant forest playground! Who’s for a thrilling game of pass-the-parcel with Stauffenberg, the hilarious one-armed clown? It’s a BLAST!”

Day 4: Foodies will love a trip to Hitlins Auschwitz, another once-bustling holiday centre which, in its heyday, was the home of Europe’s largest bakery. And why not take the opportunity to freshen up in the on-site showers, after a hard day’s travel?

Mm-mm! Cake, anyone?

David Ihrwung says: “Those ovens are so big, you could bake a Jew in them! Er… not that anyone ever would, of course.”

(SAFETY NOTE: Visitors are advised to wear hard hats when visiting the historic gates, as Polish scrap-metal archaeologists may be conducting renovation work in the area.)

Day 5 onwards: We return to Warsaw for an open-ended stay, with a visit to the city’s law courts. You will be able to observe – and perhaps even participate in! – an unmissable show trial re-enactment, in which Polish civil rights group Otwarta Rzeczpospolita tries to denounce Herr Ihrwung as a holiday denier. You may even be invited to stay with him in one of Poland’s most historic prisons!

David Ihrwung has already thrilled Austrians with his performance in court

David Ihrwung says: “Bugger. I had this problem in Austria, but it was all a long time ago.”