Wearing Glasses Makes You Look Old and Even Worse, Intelligent, Says Survey

This rancid old trout probably reads a big newspaper every day

A survey – by pure coincidence, carried out on behalf of a leading provider of corrective laser surgery – today proved beyond a shadow of doubt that people who wear glasses look old, frumpy, probably fat too, and worst of all, clever.

“We gave crayons to four thousand Sun readers under the age of 30 - i.e. a typical sample of the population of the UK - and asked them to deface pictures of dowdy old frumps in glasses, then look at some page 3 stunners without glasses or clothes,” said rent-a-psychologist Dr Glenn Hireling. “Imagine our surprise when the first set of pictures came back with various uncomplimentary comments and anatomically-incorrect penises scribbled all over them, while the second set were covered with stains of a different sort which our biochemists are studying carefully.”

“This conclusively demonstrates that weirdos with glasses are cordially despised by all right-thinking folk,” he spat, “Nerdy, specky twats, with their stupid interests and knowledge and all that - I reckon they’re probably all paedos, too.”

“Kill the freaks!” he bellowed hoarsely, his face flushing red and revealing two pale marks on either side of his nose. “They ought to be strung up, the bloody lot of them!”

“Laser treatment from £299 per eye,” he added. “Er… sorry, I seem to have misread that… yes… it’s actually £399. And don’t miss our limited three-for-two offer, with a free Premiership League wallchart.”