“We would like to offer our gratitude to the family for their foresight in abusing young innocent relatives well out of sight of prying cameras,” said a police spokesman. “This means we can simply charge them, then release them on bail until the court case without having to put a couple of officers inside their home and one at the door on 24-hour alert to protect them from screaming Facebook users armed with implements of torture.”
Internet users all over the world expressed their disappointment at not having any heart-rending footage to get worked up over.
“Since that monster put the cat in a bin the other week, I’ve had no outlet whatsoever for my barely-controlled hatred of the human race,” complained a Hampshire woman whose house smells faintly of pet wee. “Some public-spirited web-user should put a child in a cage – just for five minutes, obviously, then give them a Curly Wurly to make it all right – then post a video of it. Good quality, mind, not some grainy webcam rubbish. That way I’d have something to really get into a seething rage about. Otherwise, it’s just a load of boring words really. Look at me - I can’t even be bothered to swear.”
Meanwhile, overseas fans of releasing torrents of pent-up hate were puzzled by the lack of footage.
“What happened?” asked a borderline psychotic with a pet budgie in Ohio. “Did I miss a chance for an incoherent extended rant? Shit. Well, never mind – here’s a fantastic clip I found of a dog playing the piano. She doesn’t really understand music theory, of course - well she probably doesn’t, I don’t really know – but it’s just so cute.”
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| Unfortunately this will just have to do, until something suitably infuriating comes along |
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