Friday 24 September 2010

Caged Children Footage Sadly Unavailable On YouTube

A Glasgow family who kept two children in cages were today praised by police for not posting clips of the abused youngsters’ suffering on YouTube.

“We would like to offer our gratitude to the family for their foresight in abusing young innocent relatives well out of sight of prying cameras,” said a police spokesman. “This means we can simply charge them, then release them on bail until the court case without having to put a couple of officers inside their home and one at the door on 24-hour alert to protect them from screaming Facebook users armed with implements of torture.”

Internet users all over the world expressed their disappointment at not having any heart-rending footage to get worked up over.

“Since that monster put the cat in a bin the other week, I’ve had no outlet whatsoever for my barely-controlled hatred of the human race,” complained a Hampshire woman whose house smells faintly of pet wee. “Some public-spirited web-user should put a child in a cage – just for five minutes, obviously, then give them a Curly Wurly to make it all right – then post a video of it. Good quality, mind, not some grainy webcam rubbish. That way I’d have something to really get into a seething rage about. Otherwise, it’s just a load of boring words really. Look at me - I can’t even be bothered to swear.”

Meanwhile, overseas fans of releasing torrents of pent-up hate were puzzled by the lack of footage.

“What happened?” asked a borderline psychotic with a pet budgie in Ohio. “Did I miss a chance for an incoherent extended rant? Shit. Well, never mind – here’s a fantastic clip I found of a dog playing the piano. She doesn’t really understand music theory, of course - well she probably doesn’t, I don’t really know – but it’s just so cute.”
Unfortunately this will just have to do, until something suitably infuriating comes along

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