‘Is It 467?’ Asks Hopeful Gove

Education secretary Michael Gove has optimistically scrawled a fifth version of school building plans which he thinks ought to be shelved, with nothing but a crude drawing of a willy in the space where he should have shown his calculations.

Apart from an over-elaborately handwritten heading - featuring the date and Mr Gove’s name, with a stick man made from the O in his surname - the single sheet simply says ‘467’. The figure is underlined several times, and highlighted in yellow marker. On close scrutiny, there are signs that the ‘6’ may in fact be a badly-written ‘5’.

Mr Gove came under fire from MPs of all sides this morning, facing difficult questions about how he had arrived at his earlier decision to scrap over 700 school rebuilding projects. He responded by bursting into tears, running to Prime Minister David Cameron and claiming that opposition education spokesman Ed Balls had hit him.

Mr Cameron himself later said that he is “terrified” at the prospect of sending his absurdly privileged children to some sort of state-run Inner London shithole where little peasants are constantly tripping over rain-filled buckets.

Voters told him not to worry about it too much, as they fully expected him to find the usual transparent excuse for sending them somewhere commoner-free, like the exclusive privately-run Westminster School, when the time comes.