Juju Rain God Not Showing Up On Satellite Images, Insists Met Office

Weather experts at the Met Office today began a desperate struggle to convince Britain’s woefully superstitious peasantry that the Earth’s complex weather patterns are not in fact governed by primitive folklore stories - publishing detailed satellite and radar images of the entire planet in a futile attempt to prove once and for all that there is no angry juju-being hovering above the clouds, jumping up and down on them to shake the rain out for forty days and nights because somebody moved the bones of an unremarkable medieval bishop a thousand years ago.

“The legend of St.Swithin is what we in the meteorological sciences term ‘an immense crock of reeking, steaming poo,” explained BBC weatherman Matt Taylor. “Weather systems are influenced by many factors – ocean currents, solar activity, geological features, man-made pollution and so on – but the news that many obstinate inhabitants of a supposedly educated nation continue to cling to the pathetic myth that the merest drop of rain on the otherwise-unobserved feast day of a long-dead member of some mumbo-jumbo hierarchy dictates the weather pattern for an unbroken forty-day period can only be a tragic indictment of the sheer unrelenting idiocy of the British people.”

“Besides, if it ever should rain continuously for forty days and forty nights, any fool knows that a great flood would cover the face of the earth, drowning every living creature not taking shelter in a vast and unfeasibly well-stocked boat of some sort,” he added. “Including fish.”