Mandelson: Cabinet Members Suspected Brown Might Not Be Universally Loved By Voters

The Times’ sensational serialisation of Lord Mandelson’s explosive memoirs continues to send seismic shocks throughout the political world, with today’s astounding revelation that, in the run-up to May’s election, key members of the cabinet were beginning to wonder if PM Gordon Brown might not be the sole recipient of the complete and unconditional love of the electorate after all.

According to the party’s Machiavellian manipulator, in the last weeks of Labour’s 13-year reign Chancellor Alistair Darling was privately admitting to anyone he bumped into that “that miserable shithead Brown’s fucked into a cocked hat, the hatchet-faced bastard – I wish to high heaven he’d just do the decent thing and step out in front of a bus”, while Douglas Alexander conceded that Labour’s position in the polls might best be imagined as “right up to our shitty necks in shit creek, squatting on a giant stinking floater, without a shitting paddle.”

Even Mr Brown himself was forced to consider the possibility that the people of Britain might possibly prefer be comprehensively rogered into abject servitude by a grinning, soulless vampire like David Cameron than have to endure another five more years of his hideous scowling face, claimed Lord Mandelson.

“These completely unsuspected revelations are pure political dynamite!” enthused News Corporation chief James Murdoch, signing a very large cheque. “Whoda thunk it, eh?”

The former PM himself has maintained a dignified silence, as his head remains firmly stuffed up a cow's backside.