“Excluding jobless people who are being forced to sit in a room with a sanctimonous arse who is paid to show them the best way to fold a CV into an envelope, people who are sent to a semi-derelict office block for a couple of hours a week to earn a certificate telling amused would-be employers that they can usually switch on a PC without injuring themselves, people have been cajoled into spending a couple of hours a week as an unpaid slave for some small businessman with an allergy to paying wages, people who live with someone who has some sort of job, people who have come to Britain illegally, people who are clinically depressed by living in Britain, people with an unusual number of limbs, people who are comatose or sectioned, people who have been slung in prison and people with tits who have pre-teen children, that just leaves a mere 2.74m people we can’t find any excuse for,” smiled an official liar.
Work and pensions secretary Iain Duncan Smith promised that the government was working hard on innovative new excuses, and said it was entirely possible that nobody at all would be officially classified as unemployed before the next election.
“For years, frontline Jobcentre staff have been trotting out the platitude that searching for work is a full-time job in itself,” he said. “Well, once we’ve found a way to get round all that communist minimum-wage nonsense I don’t see why we couldn’t make that official.”
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