Rest of World Doing Stuff, Apparently

Unconfirmed rumours are beginning to filter through to Britain, suggesting that other things are taking place beyond our shores as we continue to grapple with the single most monumental issue ever to arise in seven thousand years of the documented history of the human race, namely to which moribund corpse of a party a man with an unnaturally large forehead will choose to sell his soul.

Wall Street, for example, is said to have launched all-out war on the eurozone, beginning with a pre-emptive nuclear strike on the chaotic fight club formerly known as Greece. Germany is already mobilising its forces for a desperately-one-sided conflict with the best-funded invasion force ever seen.

Other whispered rumours suggest that a massive volcanic eruption has blasted a pulverised Iceland into low orbit, and the Atlantic Ocean is draining rapidly into the steaming, hissing hole in the earth’s crust. Airlines are warning travellers that there may be some disruption to flights, depending on the trajectory of the fast-moving basaltic rubble cloud.

Meanwhile, Israel is said to have embraced peace with the Palestinians, amid scenes of joy as flower-decked Israeli soldiers dance in the streets of Gaza with their loved-up Hamas militia counterparts. Ambassadors from the Arabic-speaking nations, inspired by a Saudi initiative, have formed an orderly queue to offer formal treaties of eternal fraternity to the overjoyed Knesset.

In the Gulf of Mexico, BP’s giant funnel has been lowered into position over the oil leak, producing a fountain of oil rising into the outer atmosphere. President Obama is jetting to the area to press the button on NASA’s giant piezo lighter which will turn the gusher into a giant rocket engine, enabling everyone on the planet to travel to the moon in about five minutes, before our planet continues on an exciting voyage into the depths of the universe in search of extra-terrestrial life.

And Catholic lay representatives have solemnly received the Pope’s resignation letter. In his last edict – the abolition of the entire clergy in favour of allowing ordinary Catholics to choose for themselves which particular fragments of ancient tribal mumbo-jumbo they wish to follow – the Pope announced that priests and bishops alike are to accept full responsibility for the massive breach of trust caused by their endemic endorsement of child abuse, and apologised unreservedly for generations of dogmatic opposition to birth control condemning untold millions to lives of impoverished misery.

In a solitary item of home news as yet unconnected to the forehead man, a solitary shopper watching the news on a lapbook in a West End internet cafe apparently overheard unnatural noises echoing from the deserted halls of Harrods - leading to speculation that Imhotep may have sold the iconic flagship of consumerism to the family of the Scorpion King.

Meanwhile, cameras relayed images of the forehead creasing momentarily in a brief frown to millions of adrenalin-pumped British families who have been locked in glassy-eyed communion with their televisions, foregoing sleep and visits to the lavatory since Thursday evening.