Tuesday 18 August 2009

Judge Dredd May Misuse New Powers, Warn Magistrates

Street-judge representatives have reacted angrily to claims by magistrates that hatchet-faced law enforcement officers cannot be trusted with the authority to issue on-the-spot penalties for careless driving.

"The average magistrate may be a self-important little Hitler, with about as much idea of the statute book as a Cursed-Earth mutie with the head, brain and forelegs of a mantis," said a spokesman for the Magistrates' Association. "But believe me, when you clap eyes on some of the weasel-like comedians-in-blue who sidle into our courts to spout what they have the bare-faced cheek to call evidence, our members look like King Solomon by comparison."

But Chief Superintendent Joseph Dredd, speaking from the Grand Hall of Justice, dismissed fears that he would misuse the proposed powers of judge, jury and executioner.

"We street-judges are well aware that carless driving is, in part, a matter of opinion," he read from notes scrawled on the back of his armoured glove. "But my opinion matters, creep, and yours doesn't. If you want to argue about it, citizen, my gun fires six different kinds of ammunition. I am the lav...! Er... that's not quite right, is it? I am the law. That's it."

"Carless driving? Are we sure about that?" he whispered to his PR minder, Press-Judge Anderson. "OK, crime-blitz all the perps without cars and chuck 'em in the cubes with Mean Machine al-Megrahi. And round up all the magistrates while you're at it, and slam their butts in pokey with Justice Secretary Death."

"I am the lav!" he repeated. "Law! Gotta remember that - law."

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