The hours are counting down to tomorrow's possible invasion of Britain by overwhelming US military forces stationed in neighbouring NATO countries, after Scottish justice secretary Kenny Bin-Askill announced that he would announce his decision regarding the release of dying Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi on Thursday afternoon.
US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton earlier issued Britain with a final warning, saying: "If the United Kingdom insists on letting this evil Scotch terrorist Al McGrahy trundle free on his hospital gurney, then it is clearly a rogue state threatening to destabilise the very foundations of democracy. The United States will not tolerate the expansion of the axis of evil into its European sphere of influence, and calls on its stalwart NATO allies to help us with Operation Badger's Arse if they want the money to keep rolling in."
"Fortunately, Britain has overstretched itself with its military adventures in the Middle East," she added. "Their only home defences consist of a Territorial battalion of reluctant doctors and the fanatical but ill-equipped Combined Cadet Forces of their public schools. And they can't pull their overseas troops back home because their transport aircraft are leased from us, and we've activated the engine immobilisers."
The Americans are counting on a devastating initial assault spearheaded by the troops of their staunch allies Poland and Italy, followed by a 'hearts and minds' campaign aimed at winning over the British public with a barrage of CSI, Ugly Betty, Desperate Housewife (starring Mrs Clinton), The Unit, Hannah Montana and endless reruns of Star Trek and Friends.
"The average British goatherder groans under the yoke of an unelected dictator and his deeply-unpopular henchmen," Mrs Clinton assured other NATO leaders. "They are a simple folk, totally ignorant of those things the Western world takes for granted - such as democracy, medical insurance, survivalists, corrupt televangelists, workfare schemes, the death penalty, the right to gun down their fellow high-school students, baseball and Twinkies."
"Hell, they're so backward they think a football is spherical," she added.
Mr Bin-Askill's current whereabouts are unknown, said a defiant spokesman for the Scottish Parliament. According to unconfirmed reports, however, the fugitive justice secretary has been seen skulking around in a village in the Cairngorms, carrying a miner's helmet and a coil of climbing rope and asking the locals if anyone knows where he might find a really deep cave.
No comments:
Post a Comment