The UK is now completely waterlogged by the still-flowing tears of hundreds of thousands of students, after the government admitted yesterday that A-levels had fallen into negative equity.
"Steady increases in pass rates and top grade awards year after year led us to believe that the good times were here forever," confessed the Schools Secretary, Ed Balls. "But the entire towering edifice was, it now transpires, built on the entirely hypothetical - and, as it turns out, wildly optimistic - assumption that today's young people have somehow mutated into brains on legs, making all previous generations seem like addled whelks in comparison."
Education chiefs explained that, with the pass rate linked by a complex formula to the rate of inflation, boom years inevitably saw ever-increasing numbers of students squeezed into the groaning halls of academe. The first intimation that the glory days were over came when parents across England and Wales noticed wailing sounds coming from their children's bedrooms yesterday morning. Investigation revealed horrifying text messages and emails saying: "We're sorry, you have not won any A-levels this time. Try again!"
By mid-morning, Mr Balls had learned that, far from the expected 97.5%, this year's pass rate had plummeted to -0.27%, meaning that hundreds of hopeful students had actually had a previously-passed GCSE taken away.
"I like so worked my bloody guts out scratching away the silver panels on my Plant Psychology, Mediawatching and History of Warcraft exam papers," sobbed Tiffany-Jo, 17, who had set her little heart on a Navel Studies degree at Weston Zoyland Metropolitan University. "Now I'm a jobless for like the rest of my life yeah? I've sent out an SOS on Facebook saying I like really need big hugs right now - but all my so-called friends are too busy hugging each other over the internet to respond. I sooo want to die."
"Waah," she added.
The news is not all bad, however, suggested Mr Balls: "Fortunately, there are still plenty of international students from other countries less affected by the recession. And universities can charge whatever they can get away with for overseas students, saving us from throwing away billions in student loans which may well never be repaid, given the long-term prospects for the economy. So this failed generation can at least reflect that the sacrifice of their future prospects is - in a small way - contributing to the nation's economic recovery."
No comments:
Post a Comment