Following the Daily Mirror's discovery of a secret government scrapheap in the Midlands piled high with young joblesses, the Department for Work and Pensions has announced plans to dispose of the unsightly heap of useless youngsters by offering their parents the chance to trade them in for new children.
"There are simply far too many of these noisy, dirty young bangers chugging around, cluttering up our cities and countryside and generally making the place look untidy," said Lord Mandelson, Secretary of State for Business, Innovation and Skills, First Secretary and Lord President of the Council but definitely not Acting Prime Minister. "What we need are some attractive and wholesome new youngsters - ones who won't be able to vote Conservative."
Parents will be able to trade in their unwanted offspring by taking them to the nearest approved NHS scrapyard and cramming the young wrecks into the laundry incinerator. In return they will be given a £1000 scrappage allowance - in the form of shares in Northern Rock - and a permit from Lord Mandelson to try for another child.
"I'm so looking forward to a shiny new baby with nothing on the clock," smiled one middle-class mother in Sussex. "I've had Joshua for eighteen years - and, although I was pleased with him at first, I've simply lost count of all the irritating faults he's accumulated over the years. And, to be honest, he's just too big for me to handle now. It's like he's developed a mind of his own."
"Come along, Joshua," she cooed to the uneconomical, smoking wreck sitting in her garage. "Mummy's got a special treat in store for you."
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