All of England's problems were solved forever this afternoon, when some sportsmen won something off the Australians.
Triumphant grunts of "Engerlund! Engerlund!" echoed across this happy land as football fans leapt from their sofas and joyfully punched the air, spilling cans of Castlemaine 4X all over the dog, which they then hugged and kissed in jubilation.
"Jer see it?" screamed one delighted Manchester United supporter as he fell out of a heaving bar in Islington. "Everyone on the pitch seemed to be wearin' ver white strip uv Engerlund. Them Aussie fuckers wunt nowhere to be seen, I tell yer. Engerlund!"
A marginally less ignorant Arsenal supporter raised his chin from a pool of regurgitated Fosters to shout "Engerlund" several dozen times before observing that "We mustuv scared the shit artuv that Aussie goalie. 'E wuz 'idin' behind sum sawta plank 'e must of faand, lookin' like faw two pins 'e mite juss run awf an' 'ide. I lorst cant uv the goalie substichooshuns they made, muss uv bin gitin' on faw fifteen I reckon. Engerlund 'ad puzzeshun uv the ball from start ta finish, they wuz juss chuckin it rand like they wuz 'avin' a larf! Classic footy."
"Engerlund!" he explained, several times, before falling unconscious again.
Meanwhile, Britain's cricket fans - most of whom, strangely, seem to be neither white nor alcoholics - were said to be waiting patiently for India, Pakistan and the West Indies to walk all over the victorious England team in a series of predictable test-match defeats.
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