Manchester was arrested at dawn this morning, said deputy chief dawg Simon Byrne of the Greater Manchester Police, in a carefully-co-ordinated crackdown on alcohol-fuelled violence.
As hungover Mancunians sleepily roused themselves from their sofas and doorsteps and automatically reached for a wake-up pint, they were surprised to find themselves cuffed hand and foot, with a soggy note from the police lying in the drool and vomit under their faces, telling them to wait patiently for a van to take them away.
"We've had a fantastic response from the community - i.e. none at all, as they were all unconscious," said Mr Byrne. "Arresting the entire population is really helping us to get the criminals off the streets and out of the homes of Greater Manchester. In a few weeks we should be able to remove the big net from the city, and then hopefully some nicer people from other parts of the country will move into all the vacated properties."
The scheme is being studied with interest by other towns and cities across the country, notably Liverpool. Meanwhile, there have been calls in Europe and the United Nations for the scheme to be applied to the entire alcohol-sodden nation of Great Britain.
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