The British government has finally revealed that UFOs exist and alien beings are walking among us, after classified Ministry of Defence files were published this morning.
"Yes, everything you ever read on the internet about alien craft visiting the Earth on a regular basis is true," confirmed Air Chief Marshal James Bigglesworth. "Happy now?"
According to the previously top-secret documents, alien spacecraft sightings peak every time a blockbuster sci-fi movie or TV series is shown.
"When we discovered this correlation, we thought that the extra-terrestrials might be laughing at our wildly-inaccurate speculations," suggested Britain's top pilot. "Although my chum Algy thought they were probably just lonely geeks who had never had a girlfriend."
"But when we tracked them down, we found the truth that was out there to be stranger than fiction," he continued. "They're just chavs joyriding about in nicked flying saucers. When the UFOs run out of dark matter, they're just as happy racing round council estates in ten-year-old Astras. A further search revealed it wasn't just sci-fi epics like Independence Day they were flocking to see. It's anything that the Sun tells them is 'unmissable'. If you go to the cinema today, you'll find them all slurping Coke and hooting inanely at Imagine That. That's your so-called intelligent life from other planets, for God's sake."
"They also love The Jeremy Kyle Show," he continued. "To them, it's a sort of dating show for extra-terrestrials."
To win over any remaining sceptics, ACM Bigglesworth dramatically invaded the Jeremy Kyle studio and tore the face off a slapper who had sex with 12 men a month to reveal a hideous, fork-tongued reptile-thing. His attempts to remove Jeremy Kyle's face were, however, intercepted by security staff.
Conspiracy theorists, however, have reacted with anger to the government's full and frank admission.
"Plenty of well-documented evidence exists of people not sighting UFOs," challenged multi-millionaire author Whitley Streiber. "Even in fiction, you can read the entire works of Jane Austen, Ernest Hemingway, V.S. Naipaul, Virginia Woolf, Tolstoy, E.M. Forster, Tolkien, Jeremy Archer, John Grisham, Barbara Cartland and Andy McNab and not find a single instance of alien abduction or lights in the sky flying in formation at impssible speeds."
"The question you have to ask yourselves is: why does the government want you to believe that UFOs exist?" demanded respected sports commentator David Icke. "This so-called 'evidence' is obviously a cover-up for the truth they don't want you to know, namely that it's all a load of bollocks. In the unlikely event that life exists on other planets, there's no way they could overcome the laws of physics to flit in and out of our solar system at will. And why would they want to anyway? We're too insignificant to matter."
Suggestions that the announcement was nothing more than a cynical smokescreen intended to distract people from the government's woeful mismanagement of the country were strenuously denied by Lord Mandelson.
"Look up there at that strange cigar-shaped object," he shouted, pointing skywards, before running away from reporters.
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