The present education system would be seized by the throat, worried savagely and left to die by a Conservative government, announced Michael Gove, the shadow schools secretary, this morning.
"Too many young people are choosing to take Media Studies, a subject which is so laughably easy that even a council-estate monkey can work out that all I'm doing here is playing to the gallery of Middle England prejudice for an easy, attention-grabbing headline," he told the Sunday Telegraph. "Under our proposals, however, tough subjects like Sums will be positively weighted according to a complicated formula, possibly involving simultaneous equations, natural logarithms and fractional number bases."
"We also plan to abolish school league tables, which are far too complicated for parents with only twelve GCSEs and four A levels to use for any meaningful comparisons," continued Mr Gove. "Instead we will introduce a simplified but comprehensible system of grading schools, i.e. 'Good work; keep it up' or 'Must try harder'."
"I freely admit I haven't made any coherent, workable proposals in this article," he admitted later. "But they only gave me two hours to write it, which just isn't fair when you look at all the bloody hard work I've put in throughout the year."
Mr Gove then burst into tears and told all his Facebook friends he needed big big hugs.
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