Thoughtful Public Calls For Election in Well-Thought-Out Revenge Plan

Public anger over the continuing saga of MPs' expenses has boiled over - according to several polls - into widespread calls for an early election, in order to allow completely new set of MPs the chance to get their hands on those lovely expense claim forms.

"Puttin' a lot of new MPs in parliament will fix this mess, innit?" said leading opinion-former Joe Public today, when the Nev Filter caught up with him in the car park outside Sainsbury's. "I've really thought this through."

"Course, what I'd really like to do is flay the thick 'ide off my thieving bastud MP, yeah?, roll 'im in pepper and drag 'is raw, bleedin' carcass fru every street in town," he added. "But wouldn't you know it, they must of saw this coming, 'cos they passed a law against it years ago. So I reckon if we all vote the little shit out of office, 'e'll be so pissed off at bein' stitched up, e'll prob'ly 'ang 'isself. Then I reckon it'll be OK to flay the bugger, roll 'im in pepper and drag 'id raw, bleedin' carcass fru every street in town. Sorted. End of."

Mr Public also expressed his support for any independent candidate, no matter who they were or how barmy. Constitutional experts, however, were dubious that a ballot paper four yards long would change anything - pointing out that, in all likelihood, they would simply split any protest vote between themselves, and thus traditional party candidates would still get elected.

"Of course, we could all be wrong. If Gordon Brown changes the habits of a lifetime and listens to public opinion, a snap election could theoretically see a parliament dominated by a bickering rabble of random fuckwits who, lacking any coherent policies or means of formulating any, will probably drag the basic mechanisms on which the day-to-day running of the nation depends to a crashing halt within weeks, if not days," said an acknowledged expert on constitutional matters, Mrs Elizabeth Windsor. "In desperation, the people will then turn to the one authority figure who retains any last vestige of credibility."

"Not you, Charles," she added.

When these dire warnings were put to Mr Public, he replied, "Woteva," and headed off in search of a three-for-two offer on Carling.