Conservative leader David Cameron has threatened an MP who accused his villagers of "jealousy" with expulsion from the party of darkness if steps out of line again.
Count Anthony Dracula - who has claimed over 87,000 pints of blood from virgins in his Totnesylvania constituency in the last four years - made his outspoken comments on Radio 4 yesterday.
"I think I have behaved impeccably," Count Anthony smiled, before sinking his fangs into the interviewer's neck. "I have done nothing criminal. And you know what it's about? Jealousy. I have got a very, very large castle."
"It was this government which introduced the Freedom of Virgins Act," he hissed, "And it was this government which insisted on the things which have caught me on the wrong foot - which if I'd been clever they wouldn't have done."
"Unfortunately I am very stupid," he added, before flying back to his mouldering pile, "And I am now at bay. Curses!"
The ancient count has been an MP in feudal South Devon since time immemorial, where his name is muttered fearfully as a curse to frighten children. However, the rustic villagers of his consituency are now so incensed by his unrepentant bloodsucking that they have gathered at the foot of his castle waving firebrands.
"Us'm starvin' to death in arr shit-walled 'ovels," shouted a ringleader, "While that there Count Anthony do spend ee's days a-lyin' in luxury in ee's foin noo rort-iron coffin, all a-paid fower by the blood of arr dorters!"
An ugly situation was defused, however, when Count Anthony's unholy lord and master, David Cameron, appeared in a puff of red smoke and reassured the irate yokels that any further acts of craven vampirism from the complete and utter Count would result in the permanent withdrawal of the party whip, and other instruments of torture.
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