Conservative Party leader David Cameron is calling on Gordon Brown to call a General Election, certain in the belief that he will be swept into Number Ten on a tidal wave of popular support for freezing this year's TV licence increase.
"£142.50 for the privilege of watching endless repeats of Dr Who on BBC3 is nothing short of daylight robbery," claimed Mr Cameron. "£139.50, though, sounds about right."
Sir Michael Lyons, chairman of the BBC Trust, issued a press release saying that the BBC would go bankrupt without your £3, leaving you with nothing to take your mind off your wretched, ant-like existence but Jeremy Kyle on ITV or a blank screen on Dave.
However, Mr Cameron countered the dire warnings from Broadcasting House by saying that, under a Conservative government, your life would be so full of glee that your telly would soon be covered in cobwebs.
"This attack on the BBC's funding is only the beginning," he promised. "We will stop all payments to MPs, ensuring that only public-spirited wealthy people will be able to afford the privilege of selflessly serving the nation. How do you fancy Alan Sugar as Employment Secretary, Simon Cowell in charge of Culture, Media and Sport and Jordan as Chancellor of the Exchequer?"
"We will also cut all state benefits to the workshy," promised Mr Cameron. "This will create a huge revival in the indentured servant industry, which has been moribund for too long. In return for a roof of some kind over their heads, the unemployed can be put to work in your house and garden until you become sick of the sight of them, when you can release them back into the wild. Pensioners can be put to work in the kitchen, either cooking a variety of nutritious meals they remember from the war or making jam. And the disabled make lovely garden ornaments."
"But the main thing to remember when voting Conservative is those three shiny pound coins jingling on your pocket," he added.
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