UKIP Probably As Bad As Us, Warns Brown

As the UK Independence Party surged level with Labour in the opinion polls, Gordon Brown desperately urged an angry electorate not to vote for the vehemently anti-EU party in the forthcoming European elections.

"I appreciate that the mainstream parties may not be universally loved quite as much, of late, as may hitherto have been the case," wept the prime minister. "But UKIP has an unfair advantage over us. The mainstream parties, thanks to the sheer misfortune of being represented in Parliament, found themselves in the unenviable position of having unlimited quantities of taxpayers' cash waved constantly under the noses of their honourable members, just begging to be spent. UKIP was spared this terrible ordeal, so is it any wonder they look squeaky clean?"

Mr Brown went on to outline a nightmarish vision of an army of elderly UKIP Euro-MPs tottering onto the European gravy train.

"The first thing they'll do is bore everybody rigid with their somewhat confused reminiscences of the last time they were over there, liberating Brussels and Strasbourg during the war," he warned. "Then the inevitable spending spree will get under way. Do you really want to see your hard-won taxes wasted on their second residential homes, gold-plated stairlifts, walk-in bathroom suites, remote-controlled garage doors, motorised patio awnings, de luxe mobility scooters, Werthers Originals and subscriptions to People's Friend? Well, do you?"

UKIP's Nigel Fartage dismissed the PM's claims, however, as totally without foundation.

"What the voters must bear in mind is that our candidates are very old, and therefore have little or no idea of the cost of everything nowadays," he pointed out. "They'll see the price of these items, tut loudly to themselves and dodder off muttering, 'It's very dear, isn't it? I said it's very dear - yes' to each other, before wandering off on a desperate quest for the toilet."

"What's more, if constituents are smart enough to send their children along to their MEP's local surgeries, not only will they receive a rambling discussion about Hitler's insane plans for a European super-state which might help them immensely with their history coursework at school, but they'll also be given a shiny pound coin on the way out," he went on, adding: "Plus, of course, when their UKIP MEP pops his clogs he'll probably leave all of his money to some deserving charity in his constituency."

"The Cat Hospice, Jam For Korea Veterans, that kind of thing," he suggested. "So you see, sooner or later all that money will be pumped back into the community. Probably sooner rather than later, actually, come to think of it."