Deadly Floating Coffin Rebuilt For Gruesome Death Record Attempt

The public will have the chance to see sudden decapitation in the Lake District for the first time in over forty years, after national park officials gave the go-ahead for high-speed trials by the restored Bluebird speedboat - which achieved lasting notoriety after somersaulting and killing its pilot, Donald Campbell, on Coniston Water during a 1967 attempt on the water speed record.

The wreck, and assorted bits of Mr Campbell, were recovered from the murky lake in 2001 by diver Bill Ghoul, who has lovingly and creepily restored the jet-powered slaughter boat.

"I think it is a good result," said Mr Ghoul. "I am euphoric at having the final objective in sight, namely a re-enactment of this death-trap's 300mph disintegration - only this time in front of a battery of state-of-the-art high-speed cameras."

Unfortunately, however, the team's efforts to restore the soggy remains of record-breaker Donald Campbell have met with rather less success.

"To be honest, there's only so much you can do when all you've got to work with is a skull wedged firmly in a flattened crash helmet, and some algae-covered bones rattling around inside a rotting set of overalls," admitted Mr Ghoul. "So we plan to run a TV reality contest to find a member of the public who will happily sit in the cockpit of this jet-propelled coffin as it tears itself - and him - apart live on national telly."

The initial application is only for trial runs at 100mph, to demonstrate that the lethal boat is only moderately frightening at such speeds. However, if the hideously-unstable Bluebird and its idiot cargo somehow manage to remain intact for long enough, the ultimate goal is a fresh attempt on the world speed record - almost certainly ensuring a bloody repeat of the disastrous 1967 attempt.

"Only this time it'll be in HD colour, and we'll be able to slow the carnage right down and zoom in on every severed body part as it hurtles through the spray," enthused Mr Ghoul as TV producers queued up with their cheque books.

"In bullet time, too," he added cheerfully.