In a complete break with recent history, the Eurovision Cost Contest has been won by Norway - a country which has never, as far as anyone can tell, been Russia, occupied by Russia or even slightly dominated by Russia.
The contest was won by Alexander Ryvita, a 5-year-old singer, violinist and bed-wetter born in Russia, who melted the hearts of people who like that sort of thing with his enormous eyebrows, stage-prop violin and security blanket as he wailed meaninglessly to the thudding 2/2 beat of a Russian folk dirge.
"We can't understand it," said a puzzled Eurovision spokesman after the results were announced. "What normally happens is that the tiny nations, city states and independent villages of Eastern Europe ring Vladimir Putin, who tells them whether they have been granted permission to vote for their sworn enemies next door, otherwise they just vote for Russia as per usual."
Seasoned Eurovision observers, however, say the win by Norway is simply Europe's way of dumping the now-ruinous cost of the contest on the country they would most like to see bankrupted by the senselessly lavish extravaganza - but Iceland and Britain managed to split the vote, accidentally leaving poor innocent Norway saddled with the unwanted event.
Faced with national economic ruin in twelve months' time, Norway has put on a brave face, suggesting the remote Arctic island of Spitsbergen would make an ideal venue for the contest.
"Perhaps we can gain some consolation from the possibility that Andrew Lloyd Webber and Graham Norton might well be relentlessly stalked and eaten by ravenous polar bears live on worldwide television," said Norway's white-faced prime minister, Jens Stoltenberg. "If that happens, we might at least recoup some money from repeat fees for years to come."
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