Excessive Cock(TM) intake can lead to a range of unpleasant experiences, warned doctors, with symptoms ranging from feeling weak at the knees to severe muscle strain.
Experts cited the case of an ostrich farmer in Australia who needed emergency treatment after taking in a huge amount of Cock(TM) on a daily basis, leaving him gasping for breath. He has since made a full recovery, and has been advised to cut down on his Cock(TM) habit.
Another case involved a pregnant woman who swallowed up to three litres a day for six years and complained of tiredness, appetite loss and persistent vomiting. Doctors are still trying to understand how she remained pregnant throughout the whole six years, but think it may have something to do with the extraordinary effects of so much Cock(TM).
Researchers believe that such cases are not untypical, however.
"These days, super-sized Cock(TM) is being pushed in people's faces all the time," said team leader Dr Strangelove. "People are noisily slurping Cock(TM) in cinemas, mixing their drinks with it in public bars, and having it with their chicken. Disturbingly, we are now seeing a rise in special half-size Cocks(TM) aimed at children, who get far too excited for their own good."
Excessive Cock(TM) has already been linked with a range of health problems, not least of which is uncontrollable diarrhoea.
"I went to see the Star Trek movie last week, and I asked for the largest Cock(TM) they had," said one clearly-shaken filmgoer. "It was a bit of a struggle, but I just about managed to fit it all in before the climax. But I was shitting myself, I can tell you."
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