In a dramatic escalation of a monk-fight in Jerusalem’s Church of the Holy Sepulchre, Greece has launched a brutal crusade of annihilation against the small, landlocked Caucasian state of Armenia, and is appealing for help from its NATO allies to utterly extirpate the wicked heretic nation.
Fighting initially broke out when Greek monks at the shrine, for some obscure reason known only to themselves, tried to install one of their number inside the Edicule - an ancient structure said to encase the tomb of Jesus - during the Armenian Feast of the Cross.
Armenian priests immediately put down their bowls of holy, vitamin-packed splinters and laid into the unwholesome Greek apostates with anything that came to hand, including deadly tapestries. The Greeks defended themselves vigorously with the aid of fearsome-looking candles, until Israeli police arrived and broke up the brawl.
“What the heathen Armenian scum have done is unforgivable,” said the patriarch of the Greek Orthodox church. “Christ will not be avenged for this slight until they and their foul beliefs have been exterminated forever.”
“All the sacred teachings of Jesus tell us that the only good Greek is a dead Greek,” countered the catholicos, the head of the Armenian church, issuing a counter-call for Russian military assistance. World leaders fear a nuclear Armageddon could be on the cards, if the mumbo-jumbo disagreement escalates into global conflict.
The Pope, meanwhile, is reported to have put the Catholic Air Force on alert, while the Archbishop of Canterbury appealed for tea and biscuits.
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