Yesterday’s fight between Greek and Armenian monks in Jerusalem’s Church of the Holy Sepulchre has taken a new turn, with the shock announcement by the Greek Orthodox Church that one of their clerics did in fact succeed in entering the Edicule.
“One of our brethren discovered the 2000-year-old mummified corpse of our Lord Jesus Christ inside the tomb,” said the Patriarch of Jerusalem. “This has come as a bit of a surprise, to say the least.”
Also inside the sepulchre was a visitor’s book, containing the names of - among others - Lara Croft, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Indiana Jones, Dr John Dee, Paracelsus, Saladin, Abdul Alhazred and Caligula.
Christians all over the world will now have to come to terms with the disturbing implication that, although Christ may have died for their sins, those sins have not in fact been redeemed and they will probably be going to Hell for all eternity.
“Let us look on the bright side,” said the Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams. “Since Christ was born of a virgin, his DNA must therefore be 100% God’s. Once we have successfully sequenced God’s DNA, we should be able to implant it into human egg cells, creating an army of clone-Christs to intercede with our Heavenly Father on our behalf.”
The Vatican is expected to issue a Papal Edict soon, telling all Catholic virgins that it is their duty to carry the sacred God-eggs to term for the sake of mankind’s salvation.
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