David Cameron has revealed that he hopes to do for society what Margaret Thatcher did for the economy.
In a new book by political heavyweight reporter Dylan the Rabbit, editor of GQ magazine, the Tory leader said: “I’m going to be as radical a social reformer as Mrs Thatcher was an economic reformer, and radical social reform is what this country needs right now. In many ways that’s more difficult and complicated to do, but it’s no less an ambition, no less a task, and at heart it’s dealing with the issues of family breakdown, welfare dependency, failing schools, crime and the problems that we see in too many of our communities.”
As millions of avid readers eagerly turned the page to discover exactly how Mr Cameron was going to create order out of chaos, however, they were surprised to find him talking about the importance of effective decision-making and how he would now be leading a Conservative minority government, had Gordon Brown had called an election last autumn.
“I thought the printers must have accidentally missed a chunk out,” said one disappointed reader, “But I checked the page numbers and no, that’s how it was written.”
When the Nev Filter pressed him to explain precisely how he planned to create his modern utopia, Mr Cameron went to some length to explain how a man in a white van once tried to push him into the path of an oncoming car while riding his bike.
Finally we rang Margaret Thatcher for enlightenment, and she suggested that perhaps what her successor had in mind was selling the public off to the highest bidder, like she did with British Telecom and all the other public utilities.
Meanwhile, the government poured scorn on Mr Cameron’s proclamation.
“A serious look at his policies reveals an approach which is at best confused and at worst would be deeply damaging for our economy,” said Treasury Secretary Yvette Cooper. “You can tell how seriously we take David Cameron’s visions by the fact that it’s been left to me to criticise them.”