Gordon Brown has sent his congratulations to Britain’s athletes for their medal success in the Beijing Olympics.
In a letter to team GB, the Prime Minister called their 17-medal weekend haul “a superb and unprecedented achievement”.
“You may be too young to remember that, in a fit of uncharacteristic generosity, I flogged off half of Britain’s gold reserves at knock-down prices between 1999 and 2001,” he went on. “Since then, we’ve had to pay for a couple of wars, prop up Northern Rock and throw huge wads of cash at various consultants, train companies and IT contractors – and, what with the price of everything nowadays, the spare cash tin’s looking pretty empty. Sorry to bother you - and I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t desperate – but when you return home in triumph clutching your gold medals, could you just spare a few for the Treasury? They’d make all the difference – I’m about to be made homeless, mate. You haven’t got any more, have you? I couldn’t be really cheeky, could I, and have the bronze and silver ones too? Bless you.”
Several Olympic medallists coughed and looked the other way, while others muttered that Mr Brown would probably just pop straight round to Tbilisi and waste the money on vodka.