Wednesday, 20 August 2008

Are You The Next Carol Vorderman? You Poor Sod

With the imminent departure of Carol Vorderman from long-running schedule-filler Countdown looming, after producers dared to offer her only ten times what she was worth instead of the usual hundred, Channel Four has announced the search for a replacement.

Applicants must ideally have two legs, two arms and a head, be able to name all the letters of the alphabet on sight, have at least one working ear and be able to scrawl simple sums on a whiteboard as they are barked into their earpiece by a control room assistant while pretending they worked it out all by themselves. The ability to simper pathetically at the interminable barrage of lame comments made by the presenter would also be desirable, said Channel 4’s Head of Daytime, Helen Warner, but was not essential as training would be given.

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