Tuesday, 19 August 2008

Hello, Hello, They're Back Again

A pilot scheme involving facial recognition devices was launched yesterday at Manchester Airport by Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, as part of efforts to improve security and avoid congestion.

The experimental system – involving a camera on a long stalk, set on a sort of turret mounted on a conical, bronze-coloured mobile base unit decorated with columns of gold domes, which sported a sink-plunger and a strange device apparently made out of coat-hangers – was ceremonially switched on by the Home Secretary, who said: “The UK has one of the toughest borders in the world and we are determined to keep it that way.”

When activated, the security system scanned the Home Secretary’s face, matching it against electronically-stored biometric images. The top-mounted lights then flashed as it announced that she had been identified as an enemy of the Daleks, and exterminated her.

The menacing facial-recognition unit then turned its attention to the hordes of terrified, fleeing onlookers.

“Where is Gary Glitter?” it demanded. “Bring him to me at once! He is the leader! He is the leader of an unstoppable Dalek army of terror and destruction! He is.”

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