Wednesday, 20 August 2008

Gary Glitter World Tour Unlikely To End Soon, Or Indeed Ever

Disgraced paedophile, erstwhile pop icon and human pinball Gary Glitter is reported to be hurtling ahead with his whistle-stop world tour, after being shot out of his Vietnamese prison by a giant spring.

Glitter – real name Paul Sadd – used to be known for dressing up in tinfoil and strutting about bellowing tedious catchphrases over a monotonous 4/4 beat, before achieving greater fame as a pitiful old perv. Following his release from prison after inviting various youngsters to be in his gang, he was put on a plane to Thailand, where he should have been fired onto a plane to Britain to autograph the sex offenders’ register and meet enthusiastic crowds desperate to touch him with a variety of blunt objects. However, the wizened 64-year-old star became unexpectedly stuck behind a VIP lounge instead. A few kicks to the table set warning lights flashing before the table cleared itself automatically, flicking Glitter into an impromptu comeback tour of the world’s airport lounges.

Having scored no points at all for lighting up the letters H-E-A-R-T A-T-T-A-C-K, Glitter narrowly avoided rolling down towards Britain at the bottom of the table, bouncing instead onto a passing jet bound for Hong Kong.

Arriving in the former British colony, the goatee-sporting lecher was greeted by Chinese officials singing his famous hit, “We Don’t Love You, Love”. He promptly diagnosed himself as suffering from trapped wind and was knocked sideways by a pop-up flipper, sending the airport checkout gate spinning wildly and flicking him down a hole leading to destinations unknown.

As play continued, the destination lights on the table were still flashing randomly between Belgium, Austria, Vatican City, Saudi Arabia and Arctic Adventure, with the possibility of a multiball release which would see up to a dozen shiny Gary Glitters released into play, bouncing off the scenery and each other in an uncontrollable flurry of chrome.

Waiting patiently behind the flippers at the bottom of the table, however, was Home Secretary Jacqui Smith.

“I don’t care how many Gary Glitters are in play,” she said grimly. “Bring them on. I’m busy scribbling out as many restrictive regulations as I can think of, ready to put into my soon-to-be-announced Gary Glitter Act. He’s going to hit an almighty great stopper when he finally rolls down here. Then it’s game over.”

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