Britain’s teenagers are still crying their little eyes out after yesterday’s shock announcement that the GCSE pass rate had fallen dramatically to 0.0%.
Schools minister Andy Adonis explained that, as the pass rate rose inexorably year by year toward 100%, something clearly had to be done or the general public might start to think that the figures might be slightly suspect.
“We therefore took the decision to reset the benchmark to zero this year,” he explained. “At the current rate of increase we wouldn’t get back into the high 90s for about 300 years or so, giving us plenty of scope for dramatic improvements in the pass rate over the next couple of years. It’s tough on this year’s students, of course - but let’s face it, they’re so thick half of them couldn’t identify a percentage even if it bit a chunk out of them.”
A red-eyed Stacey Hobbs of King Edward the Potato School took time out from her non-stop bawling fit to wail: “I worked everso, everso hard for my GCSEs - harder than anyone else ever in history, which I sort of dropped last year and took Drama Studies instead. My teachers predicted me eighteen A* grades, and instead I got a piece of paper in the post this morning saying. ‘Ha ha! You suck. Signed, the Joint Council for Qualifications.’”
Mr Adonis said that next year’s results may well show an amazing 50% improvement - which would be the best ever recorded - just in time for a general election. When somebody with an ‘O’ level pointed out to him that 50% of zero was still zero, the minister launched into a shocking tirade of foul-mouthed abuse against the old, discredited system of rote learning and abstract mathematical formulae that had nothing to do with ordinary people’s aspirations in the 21st century. He then offered to write a brief paragraph, or draw a picture, explaining how he felt.