Northern Rock, the nationalised mortgage lender whose financial difficulties triggered the credit crunch in the UK, has reported a loss of over £585m.
“We had it here a minute ago,” said a bank spokesman. “We thought it was in the cookie jar on the kitchen sideboard, but that’s empty. Somebody thought she’d seen it under an ornament on the mantelpiece, but we drew a blank there too. We’re currently checking under the mattress and down the back of the sofa, but to be honest it’s not looking good.”
Worried bank officials rang the Chancellor - Alistair Darling at the time of writing – who immediately offered to drive round to Newcastle and pop an envelope containing £3bn of taxpayers’ money through the bank’s letterbox to tide them over.
“Don’t worry, folks," he smiled, “There’s plenty more where that came from. This is nothing to worry about. It’s just like the other banks are doing with their share issues - except of course that their shareholders can choose whether or not to pour even more of their money into the black hole created by greedy financial speculators, and you can’t.”
Ron Silva, a banking analyst at Tower Group, suggested that the lender’s woes were far from over.
“The only people that are left holding mortgages at Northern Rock are really those that are unable to find alternative mortgage providers,” he said, “And they’re very high risk people, or Northerners as we call them in financial circles.”
Local journalists were upbeat, however.
“Things could be a lot worse,” pointed out Peter Montellier, deputy editor of the Journal, “7,000 people could be out of work.”
“I’d be quite happy to be out of work, actually,” said one overworked debt counsellor from the bank. “If we divvied up Darling’s latest bung, every one of us would have £428,714 in redundancy money, and we could all retire to Spain.”
Tuesday, 5 August 2008
Magnificent Men Not In Their Flying Machines
The Commons Defence Committee has reported serious shortcomings in the effectiveness of robot planes operated by Britain in Iraq and Afghanistan, caused by a shortage of skilled operators.
The Ministry of Defence bought three ‘Reaper’ Unmanned Aerial Vehicles - or UAVs - from the US, and also operates the less powerful Hermes 450 and Desert Hawk types. Critics say the MoD was slow to recognise the potential of robot aircraft, which are meant to detect insurgent forces, snipers and roadside bombs.
“We are facing a 48% shortfall in operator numbers,” admitted an Army spokesman. “Our training scheme hit unforeseen delays when someone lost the disc for Microsoft Combat Flight Simulator 3 – although, to be honest, the performance envelope of the Reaper doesn’t quite match that of a Spitfire Mark 9, and the trainee operators were getting shot down by Messerschmitt 262s way before they could get to grips with the finer points of flying under bridges and shooting up flak trains. To the best of our knowledge, al-Qaeda does not currently possess Nazi jet fighter technology, so the accuracy of the simulation was questionable. We have been forced back onto Combat Flight Simulator 2 instead - which, with its Japanese suicide bomber attacks, bears a little more resemblance to the situation on the ground. Except, of course, in the simulation they’re not on the ground. Looking on the bright side, though, if the various terrorist factions start using hang-gliders, we’re ready for them.”
The Ministry of Defence bought three ‘Reaper’ Unmanned Aerial Vehicles - or UAVs - from the US, and also operates the less powerful Hermes 450 and Desert Hawk types. Critics say the MoD was slow to recognise the potential of robot aircraft, which are meant to detect insurgent forces, snipers and roadside bombs.
“We are facing a 48% shortfall in operator numbers,” admitted an Army spokesman. “Our training scheme hit unforeseen delays when someone lost the disc for Microsoft Combat Flight Simulator 3 – although, to be honest, the performance envelope of the Reaper doesn’t quite match that of a Spitfire Mark 9, and the trainee operators were getting shot down by Messerschmitt 262s way before they could get to grips with the finer points of flying under bridges and shooting up flak trains. To the best of our knowledge, al-Qaeda does not currently possess Nazi jet fighter technology, so the accuracy of the simulation was questionable. We have been forced back onto Combat Flight Simulator 2 instead - which, with its Japanese suicide bomber attacks, bears a little more resemblance to the situation on the ground. Except, of course, in the simulation they’re not on the ground. Looking on the bright side, though, if the various terrorist factions start using hang-gliders, we’re ready for them.”
SATS Results Don't Add Up
Provisional SATS results published today show a further small rise in England’s primary school attainments in English and maths, but a row has broken out with teachers claiming that problems with the quality of marking cast doubt on the figures.
“If it takes one thousand markers five weeks to accurately mark all the test results,” asked one head teacher, “What percentage of the papers will actually be marked in eight weeks, if the number of markers is only five hundred?”
Schools Secretary Ed Balls claimed the answer was 99%. His parents have been urged to enrol him in remedial classes over the summer.
“If it takes one thousand markers five weeks to accurately mark all the test results,” asked one head teacher, “What percentage of the papers will actually be marked in eight weeks, if the number of markers is only five hundred?”
Schools Secretary Ed Balls claimed the answer was 99%. His parents have been urged to enrol him in remedial classes over the summer.
Monday, 4 August 2008
Internet Blamed For 'Slash Mob' Craze
Social networking websites are being blamed for a spate of gruesome killings around the world, according to Interpol.
The latest so-called ‘slash mob’ incident took place on the quiet Greek island of Santorini, when Athanassios Arvanitis, a 31-year-old cook, beheaded his girlfriend and walked around his village brandishing her severed head. He then knifed a policeman, stole a police car and injured two motorcyclists before he was finally arrested.
Other seemingly random acts of carnage in the last week included Vince Weiguang Li, who beheaded a fellow-passenger on a bus in Canada; British teenager Cara Burke, dismembered by her drug-dealer boyfriend in Brazil; and Tony Blair ripping Gordon Brown apart in a memo leaked to the Mail on Sunday.
Police are focusing their inquiries on social networking sites such as Facebook, particularly the so-called ‘slash mob’ phenomenon in which participants are invited to bizarre, spontaneous public events.
“We don’t actually have anything to link any such sites to these murders,” said DCI Slaughter, Scotland Yard’s leading murder investigator. “But we know the public need to kid themselves that we have at least some idea of what the hell’s going on, and that the media are suckers for stories about Facebook. So my message to anyone living abroad, travelling on a bus or living with a partner who has access to a kitchen, and who might be worried about suddenly finding themselves hacked apart for no readily apparent reason, is simple: unplug the computer and set fire to it immediately - your life may yet be spared.”
Detectives are trawling the internet in a desperate race against time to find out when and where the next gruesome event is scheduled to take place. Unofficial sources say they are concentrating their efforts on a shady, underground group calling itself ‘The Labour Party’.
“All we know at the moment is that huge numbers of these people are walking round smiling innocently, but concealing extremely sharp knives,” said DCI Slaughter. “Their target could be a random holidaymaker, for all we know.”
The latest so-called ‘slash mob’ incident took place on the quiet Greek island of Santorini, when Athanassios Arvanitis, a 31-year-old cook, beheaded his girlfriend and walked around his village brandishing her severed head. He then knifed a policeman, stole a police car and injured two motorcyclists before he was finally arrested.
Other seemingly random acts of carnage in the last week included Vince Weiguang Li, who beheaded a fellow-passenger on a bus in Canada; British teenager Cara Burke, dismembered by her drug-dealer boyfriend in Brazil; and Tony Blair ripping Gordon Brown apart in a memo leaked to the Mail on Sunday.
Police are focusing their inquiries on social networking sites such as Facebook, particularly the so-called ‘slash mob’ phenomenon in which participants are invited to bizarre, spontaneous public events.
“We don’t actually have anything to link any such sites to these murders,” said DCI Slaughter, Scotland Yard’s leading murder investigator. “But we know the public need to kid themselves that we have at least some idea of what the hell’s going on, and that the media are suckers for stories about Facebook. So my message to anyone living abroad, travelling on a bus or living with a partner who has access to a kitchen, and who might be worried about suddenly finding themselves hacked apart for no readily apparent reason, is simple: unplug the computer and set fire to it immediately - your life may yet be spared.”
Detectives are trawling the internet in a desperate race against time to find out when and where the next gruesome event is scheduled to take place. Unofficial sources say they are concentrating their efforts on a shady, underground group calling itself ‘The Labour Party’.
“All we know at the moment is that huge numbers of these people are walking round smiling innocently, but concealing extremely sharp knives,” said DCI Slaughter. “Their target could be a random holidaymaker, for all we know.”
Antigua Murders: Scotland Yard Invited to Frame Barry George
The Antiguan Prime Minister has appealed for help from Scotland Yard to catch the killers who shot honeymoon couple Catherine and Ben Mullany.
Despite questioning several suspects, local police admit they are no nearer to identifying the perpetrators of the shooting.
Detectives from Scotland Yard have flown out to the Caribbean island, and are busy searching for a suitable harmless nutter to frame up on the flimsiest of evidence.
“We reckon Barry George probably did it,” said DCI Slaughter of the Metropolitan Police. “He claims he was at the Old Bailey at the time, proving himself entirely innocent of the murder of Jill Dando - but we reckon rubbing an old bullet against his jacket ought to do the trick.”
Despite questioning several suspects, local police admit they are no nearer to identifying the perpetrators of the shooting.
Detectives from Scotland Yard have flown out to the Caribbean island, and are busy searching for a suitable harmless nutter to frame up on the flimsiest of evidence.
“We reckon Barry George probably did it,” said DCI Slaughter of the Metropolitan Police. “He claims he was at the Old Bailey at the time, proving himself entirely innocent of the murder of Jill Dando - but we reckon rubbing an old bullet against his jacket ought to do the trick.”
Conservatives Discover Root Of All Evil
Conservative shadow Education Secretary Michael Gove is being hailed by leading sociologists as a genius for his discovery of the root cause of all of society’s wrongs, as he claimed that lads’ mags such as Nuts and Zoo are the cause of relationship breakdowns and fatherless children.
“We should ask those who make profits out of reveling in, or encouraging, selfish irresponsibility among young men what they think they’re doing,” said Mr Gove, in a speech to the Institute for Public Policy Research. “The contrast with the work done by women’s magazines, and their publishers, to address their readers in a mature and responsible fashion, is striking.”
IPC, the irresponsible publishers of Nuts, issued a tear-stained apology for creating a generation of selfish, gratification-seeking sex maniacs, and said they would seek urgent talks with IPC, the sensible publishers of Marie Claire, to see what they could learn from its responsible, mature articles such as ‘See The Risqué Eva Mendes TV Ad That The US Has Banned’.
“We should ask those who make profits out of reveling in, or encouraging, selfish irresponsibility among young men what they think they’re doing,” said Mr Gove, in a speech to the Institute for Public Policy Research. “The contrast with the work done by women’s magazines, and their publishers, to address their readers in a mature and responsible fashion, is striking.”
IPC, the irresponsible publishers of Nuts, issued a tear-stained apology for creating a generation of selfish, gratification-seeking sex maniacs, and said they would seek urgent talks with IPC, the sensible publishers of Marie Claire, to see what they could learn from its responsible, mature articles such as ‘See The Risqué Eva Mendes TV Ad That The US Has Banned’.
Saturday, 2 August 2008
Fulhamian Rhapsody (with apologies to Freddie Mercury)
(Scene 1: An Old Bailey courtroom.)
Barry George: Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a fit-up, no-one believes I’m not guilty. Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see, I'm just a daft sod, I’ll get no sympathy, because I'm creepy scum, as you know, staring eyes, little slow. Anything the press knows doesn't really help much for me, for me.
DCI Slaughter: (reading from hastily-written interview transcript notes) Barry just killed a woman. Put a gun against her head, pulled his trigger, now she's dead. Barry, your woe’s just begun - ’cos now we’re going to pause the tape, OK? ... Barry, ooh, didn't mean to make you cry! If you’re not saying “I’ll do time” tomorrow, we’ll carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters.
(Scene 2: Seven years later. A prison shower.)
Barry George: Oh great, my time has come. Sends shivers down my spine, bottom's aching all the time. Goodbye everybody, I've got to go, gotta leave you all behind ‘cos there’s no proof. Big Ron, ooh, I’m not going to lie - I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.
Big Ron: I see a little silly weirdo, not a man. Barry George? Barry George couldn’t murder Jill Dando.
(Scene 3: The Old Bailey courtroom.)
Metropolitan Police Chorus: Tabloid hacks, get writing - very, very slightingly.
Barry George: Didn’t do it, didn’t do it, didn’t do it, blimey no.
Daily Mail Court Reporter: Magnifico!
Barry George: I'm just a loony, nobody loves me.
William Clegg QC: He's just a loony from a poor family, spare him his life from this monstrosity.
Barry George: Easy come, easy go. Will you let me go?
Metropolitan Police Chorus: Bulsara! No, we will not let you go.
William Clegg QC: Let him go!
Metropolitan Police Chorus: Bulsara! We will not let you go.
William Clegg QC: Let him go!
Metropolitan Police Chorus: Bulsara! We will not let you go.
William Clegg QC: Let him go!
Metropolitan Police Chorus: Bulsara! Will not let you go.
William Clegg QC: Let him go!
Metropolitan Police Chorus: Will not let you go.
William Clegg QC: Let him go!
Metropolitan Police Chorus: No, no, no, no, no, no, no…
(Scene 4: A few minutes later. On the steps outside the Old Bailey.)
Barry George: Seven years – seven years! Took their time to let me go! (To scowling journo hacks.) The Met Police had to put some mug inside - it’s me, it’s me, I'm free! So you think you can frame me and spit in my eye? So you think you can frame me and leave me to die? Oh, baby, can't do this to me, baby. Just got a get-out, just gotta get compensation here.
Metropolitan Police Chorus: Nothing legal matters, anyone can see. Nothing legal matters, nothing legal matters to me.
Barry George: Who killed Dando? Fuck knows.
(Gong. Finis.)
Barry George: Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a fit-up, no-one believes I’m not guilty. Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see, I'm just a daft sod, I’ll get no sympathy, because I'm creepy scum, as you know, staring eyes, little slow. Anything the press knows doesn't really help much for me, for me.
DCI Slaughter: (reading from hastily-written interview transcript notes) Barry just killed a woman. Put a gun against her head, pulled his trigger, now she's dead. Barry, your woe’s just begun - ’cos now we’re going to pause the tape, OK? ... Barry, ooh, didn't mean to make you cry! If you’re not saying “I’ll do time” tomorrow, we’ll carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters.
(Scene 2: Seven years later. A prison shower.)
Barry George: Oh great, my time has come. Sends shivers down my spine, bottom's aching all the time. Goodbye everybody, I've got to go, gotta leave you all behind ‘cos there’s no proof. Big Ron, ooh, I’m not going to lie - I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.
Big Ron: I see a little silly weirdo, not a man. Barry George? Barry George couldn’t murder Jill Dando.
(Scene 3: The Old Bailey courtroom.)
Metropolitan Police Chorus: Tabloid hacks, get writing - very, very slightingly.
Barry George: Didn’t do it, didn’t do it, didn’t do it, blimey no.
Daily Mail Court Reporter: Magnifico!
Barry George: I'm just a loony, nobody loves me.
William Clegg QC: He's just a loony from a poor family, spare him his life from this monstrosity.
Barry George: Easy come, easy go. Will you let me go?
Metropolitan Police Chorus: Bulsara! No, we will not let you go.
William Clegg QC: Let him go!
Metropolitan Police Chorus: Bulsara! We will not let you go.
William Clegg QC: Let him go!
Metropolitan Police Chorus: Bulsara! We will not let you go.
William Clegg QC: Let him go!
Metropolitan Police Chorus: Bulsara! Will not let you go.
William Clegg QC: Let him go!
Metropolitan Police Chorus: Will not let you go.
William Clegg QC: Let him go!
Metropolitan Police Chorus: No, no, no, no, no, no, no…
(Scene 4: A few minutes later. On the steps outside the Old Bailey.)
Barry George: Seven years – seven years! Took their time to let me go! (To scowling journo hacks.) The Met Police had to put some mug inside - it’s me, it’s me, I'm free! So you think you can frame me and spit in my eye? So you think you can frame me and leave me to die? Oh, baby, can't do this to me, baby. Just got a get-out, just gotta get compensation here.
Metropolitan Police Chorus: Nothing legal matters, anyone can see. Nothing legal matters, nothing legal matters to me.
Barry George: Who killed Dando? Fuck knows.
(Gong. Finis.)
Friday, 1 August 2008
Labour Party Decapitated by Madman
David Miliband is being held in police custody, amid reports that he stabbed and decapitated the Labour Party on a bus.
Many fellow-travellers have been speaking of the horrific moment when Miliband suddenly, and for no apparent reason, pulled out a pen and ruthlessly stabbed the hapless Gordon Brown in the Guardian, then waved his victim’s head around at the terrified MPs.
Very little is known about Miliband, except that he is a clone who boarded the Labour Party bus at some point for reasons known only to himself. Reporters were busily trying to track down his only known relative, a brother called Miliband Two, but nobody seemed to know where he was or what he did.
“As soon as this pen-wielding maniac climbed onto our bandwagon, I knew there was something creepy about him,” said one passenger, Bob Marshall-Andrews. “Though, to be honest, I could say the same about quite a few the other passengers too. I’m not sure I even want to be on this bus, really. I just want to go back to where we came from.”
The shaken passengers later re-boarded the Labour bus, which continued on its journey towards the cliffs despite a few wheels falling off along the way.
Many fellow-travellers have been speaking of the horrific moment when Miliband suddenly, and for no apparent reason, pulled out a pen and ruthlessly stabbed the hapless Gordon Brown in the Guardian, then waved his victim’s head around at the terrified MPs.
Very little is known about Miliband, except that he is a clone who boarded the Labour Party bus at some point for reasons known only to himself. Reporters were busily trying to track down his only known relative, a brother called Miliband Two, but nobody seemed to know where he was or what he did.
“As soon as this pen-wielding maniac climbed onto our bandwagon, I knew there was something creepy about him,” said one passenger, Bob Marshall-Andrews. “Though, to be honest, I could say the same about quite a few the other passengers too. I’m not sure I even want to be on this bus, really. I just want to go back to where we came from.”
The shaken passengers later re-boarded the Labour bus, which continued on its journey towards the cliffs despite a few wheels falling off along the way.
Beijing Olympics Promise Breathtaking Performances
Olympic athletes are still facing serious health risks in Beijing, despite Chinese authorities spending $16bn on reducing pollution for the forthcoming games, according to Frank Kelly, professor of environmental health at Kings College London.
The UN has already reported that pollution levels are more than three times higher than the World Health Organisation’s safe limits, and are unlikely to fall much before the games begin.
“Athletes breathe in ten times as much air into their lungs as spectators,” explained Professor Kelly. “They are pushing their bodies to their limits, so pollution will have serious consequences.”
The Chinese authorities took time out from their busy schedule of rounding up dissidents and putting restrictions on journalists to say they were stepping up last-minute measures to improve air quality in their smog-blanketed capital.
“The people of Beijing are eager to make the games a success,” said President Hu Jintao, “And they have all volunteered to breathe in deeply just before the opening ceremony, and hold their breath until after the games have finished and everyone has gone home.”
Sceptical International Olympic Committee chiefs have been busy making contingency plans. New events have been added to the roster - including the 200m marathon, spitball, the 25m sprint to the lavatory, hurling, the deca-Savlon and throwing the breakfast. Swimmers may be allowed to wear aqualungs, as indeed may all the other competitors.
Some athletes have spoken out, saying that the debilitating effects of pollution mean they will not be fit enough to break any records. They were immediately arrested by the Chinese authorities, put on trial for five minutes and hauled off to labour camps.
In a separate development, Russian tennis star Maria Sharapova has pulled out of the competition, citing a nerve problem.
“I haven’t got the nerve to go to Beijing and risk breathing the lethal cocktail of toxins that passes for air there,” she told reporters.
The UN has already reported that pollution levels are more than three times higher than the World Health Organisation’s safe limits, and are unlikely to fall much before the games begin.
“Athletes breathe in ten times as much air into their lungs as spectators,” explained Professor Kelly. “They are pushing their bodies to their limits, so pollution will have serious consequences.”
The Chinese authorities took time out from their busy schedule of rounding up dissidents and putting restrictions on journalists to say they were stepping up last-minute measures to improve air quality in their smog-blanketed capital.
“The people of Beijing are eager to make the games a success,” said President Hu Jintao, “And they have all volunteered to breathe in deeply just before the opening ceremony, and hold their breath until after the games have finished and everyone has gone home.”
Sceptical International Olympic Committee chiefs have been busy making contingency plans. New events have been added to the roster - including the 200m marathon, spitball, the 25m sprint to the lavatory, hurling, the deca-Savlon and throwing the breakfast. Swimmers may be allowed to wear aqualungs, as indeed may all the other competitors.
Some athletes have spoken out, saying that the debilitating effects of pollution mean they will not be fit enough to break any records. They were immediately arrested by the Chinese authorities, put on trial for five minutes and hauled off to labour camps.
In a separate development, Russian tennis star Maria Sharapova has pulled out of the competition, citing a nerve problem.
“I haven’t got the nerve to go to Beijing and risk breathing the lethal cocktail of toxins that passes for air there,” she told reporters.
MG TF LE NBG
There were celebrations in the motoring world today as Nanking Automotive Company restarted production at the Longbridge factory in the Midlands, which was shut down in 2005 with the loss of 6,000 jobs. The first production models of the snappily-named MG TF LE500 sports car are expected in showrooms in September.
“There’s never been a better time to launch a fuel-guzzling, £16,000 two-seater sports car,” enthused corporate optimist Eleanor De La Haye.
“There’s never been a better time to launch a fuel-guzzling, £16,000 two-seater sports car,” enthused corporate optimist Eleanor De La Haye.
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