Fulhamian Rhapsody (with apologies to Freddie Mercury)

(Scene 1: An Old Bailey courtroom.)

Barry George: Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a fit-up, no-one believes I’m not guilty. Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see, I'm just a daft sod, I’ll get no sympathy, because I'm creepy scum, as you know, staring eyes, little slow. Anything the press knows doesn't really help much for me, for me.

DCI Slaughter: (reading from hastily-written interview transcript notes) Barry just killed a woman. Put a gun against her head, pulled his trigger, now she's dead. Barry, your woe’s just begun - ’cos now we’re going to pause the tape, OK? ... Barry, ooh, didn't mean to make you cry! If you’re not saying “I’ll do time” tomorrow, we’ll carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters.

(Scene 2: Seven years later. A prison shower.)

Barry George: Oh great, my time has come. Sends shivers down my spine, bottom's aching all the time. Goodbye everybody, I've got to go, gotta leave you all behind ‘cos there’s no proof. Big Ron, ooh, I’m not going to lie - I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.

Big Ron: I see a little silly weirdo, not a man. Barry George? Barry George couldn’t murder Jill Dando.

(Scene 3: The Old Bailey courtroom.)

Metropolitan Police Chorus: Tabloid hacks, get writing - very, very slightingly.

Barry George: Didn’t do it, didn’t do it, didn’t do it, blimey no.

Daily Mail Court Reporter: Magnifico!

Barry George: I'm just a loony, nobody loves me.

William Clegg QC: He's just a loony from a poor family, spare him his life from this monstrosity.

Barry George: Easy come, easy go. Will you let me go?

Metropolitan Police Chorus: Bulsara! No, we will not let you go.

William Clegg QC: Let him go!

Metropolitan Police Chorus: Bulsara! We will not let you go.

William Clegg QC: Let him go!

Metropolitan Police Chorus: Bulsara! We will not let you go.

William Clegg QC: Let him go!

Metropolitan Police Chorus: Bulsara! Will not let you go.

William Clegg QC: Let him go!

Metropolitan Police Chorus: Will not let you go.

William Clegg QC: Let him go!

Metropolitan Police Chorus: No, no, no, no, no, no, no…

(Scene 4: A few minutes later. On the steps outside the Old Bailey.)

Barry George: Seven years – seven years! Took their time to let me go! (To scowling journo hacks.) The Met Police had to put some mug inside - it’s me, it’s me, I'm free! So you think you can frame me and spit in my eye? So you think you can frame me and leave me to die? Oh, baby, can't do this to me, baby. Just got a get-out, just gotta get compensation here.

Metropolitan Police Chorus: Nothing legal matters, anyone can see. Nothing legal matters, nothing legal matters to me.

Barry George: Who killed Dando? Fuck knows.

(Gong. Finis.)