David Miliband is being held in police custody, amid reports that he stabbed and decapitated the Labour Party on a bus.
Many fellow-travellers have been speaking of the horrific moment when Miliband suddenly, and for no apparent reason, pulled out a pen and ruthlessly stabbed the hapless Gordon Brown in the Guardian, then waved his victim’s head around at the terrified MPs.
Very little is known about Miliband, except that he is a clone who boarded the Labour Party bus at some point for reasons known only to himself. Reporters were busily trying to track down his only known relative, a brother called Miliband Two, but nobody seemed to know where he was or what he did.
“As soon as this pen-wielding maniac climbed onto our bandwagon, I knew there was something creepy about him,” said one passenger, Bob Marshall-Andrews. “Though, to be honest, I could say the same about quite a few the other passengers too. I’m not sure I even want to be on this bus, really. I just want to go back to where we came from.”
The shaken passengers later re-boarded the Labour bus, which continued on its journey towards the cliffs despite a few wheels falling off along the way.