Jive Talking Has Polluted The Aryan Will, Insists Historian

The eminent constitutional historian David Bonkey, the cleverest man in Britain today, has raised eyebrows with his startling claim that last week’s outbreaks of mass looting are the inevitable result of the creeping infiltration of pernicious boogie-woogie culture into white society over the past half-century.

"And, I tell you, some of them are this long"

“Just listen to the flower of Aryan youth talking nowadays,” shuddered Bonkey on Newsnight yesterday. “Why, they speak of little else but grooving ghastly indentations into gaily-coloured plastic bags every night, which inevitably results in fusing the electrics and burning down the entire wigwam, or igloo.”

“I am not condemning such behaviour out of hand - no, of course not,” he insisted. “It is entirely appropriate if confined to long-established darky reservations, such as the Dutch municipality of Haarlem. But what an appalling failure of the will to power it represents when transplanted unnaturally into the superior white mind.”

“The flashpoint occurs when these corrupted white youths - whipped into a lather by their cassette tapes of ‘chip-shop’-style ‘wrappers’ - realise they will never be as magnificently over-endowed as a proud darky stallion, such as I have experienced personally on many delightful occasions,” he continued. “Maddened by sexual frustration, they descend upon the nearest shopping centre, seeking to re-connect with the manifest destiny that flows in their blood by stealing consumer items which only the industrious master race can afford.”

Dr Bonkey concluded by wondering if Britain should follow the example of other great Aryan nations, by introducing legislation to restrict the sale of plastic bags.

Other media-friendly academics have since been queueing up to offer their considered opinions on the rioting, with Richard Dawkins saying it would never have happened if people stopped believing that God helps those who help themselves.